Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
