I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
