i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
