i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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