Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
