the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
