The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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