I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
