So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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