"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
