apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
