Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Success! We fucked roommates!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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