You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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