You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
