but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
