Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
