why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
