He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
