3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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