We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
