So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
