Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
