i wish my penis had a tongue
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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