no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
