mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
