Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
