It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
