last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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