you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
