I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
3pm strippers are depressing
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
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