just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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