I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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