I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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