you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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