but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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