literally had 100 drinks last night.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
