Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
