So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
