Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
