I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
