Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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