the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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