If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
