Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
