I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Mom said you looked used
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
