It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
