she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
