I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
one might say we're banned from that church
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
