I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
