just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
