i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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